ten of fifty-two // real talk

sunrise over Seward Boat Harbor

I read about spending time with God and what it's like to practice His presence, to be filled with His Spirit and power and likeness and then to live that out in every area of life. then I sit down to have "quiet time" and... I am not swept up by angelic hosts, carrying me straight to the throne with feeling and knowledge. 

I stare at words on a page and utter a desperate cry to Him to teach me. I move restlessly from reading someone else's thoughts, to His Word, to worship, to pouring out my heart in prayer. It doesn't hit me the same every day. sometimes I leave listless, wishing I had hours more to try and get to His heart and what He could have taught me. other times I take the small Word He gave me and cling to it for the rest of the day. it never feels like enough time to let it sink into my being instead of just be absorbed by my head.

but oh God is faithful. faithful meaning that I know He meets me when I stop to be with Him, even if it is just in the knowing that He is there. I hope it is a sweet offering to Him, I hope He feels loved as opposed to grieved like the many times I pass on without Him. faithful because when I come to Him ashamedly hiding (haha. hiding from God.) my pain from Him trying to pray about more "spiritual" things, He patiently waits for me to bring the sadness to Him, too. faithful that when my fearful heart asks of Him something He has already promised – never leave me, please do not forsake me – He reminds me that He has not, He will not, He has told me before and will tell me again.  

sunset over Seward Boat Harbor

nine of fifty-two // get wrecked

There's a phrase that my brother and his buddy like to use while playing computer games or at the gym. It goes like this,

"GET WRECKED." 

Urban dictionary informed me that this can also be spelled "get rekt" which seems pretty time and space efficient to me; 

for example, if bro just totally owned his set on the squat bar, he may tell the bar that it got wrecked. 

If bro loses a battle on the computer, his buddy will automatically shout triumphantly "GET WRECKED NOOB" and vice versa if bro wins. 

It's never fun on the other side of the coin when you're the one who just got wrecked, 

especially when you are getting wrecked and it is completely out of your control to prevent.

Perhaps this is not all bad.

There's a song I've had on repeat for the past, almost, week. The chorus goes as such: 

I know You're able

and I know You can 

save through the fire with Your mighty hand

but even if You don't, 

my hope is You. alone.

Right now, I'm walking through the fire. That is where He is leading me and I trust Him, but oooh trusting Him does not mean there are no growing pains. Trusting Him does not mean that I will not feel the desperation and angst of my heart during the wrecking.

Knowing He is present and on Your side does not constitute the absence of suffering or easy surrender.

More often, drawing close to Him exposes not only the sweetness of His undeserved love, but also all the reasons that I am undeserving of it. 

This time around, it's not even circumstances that are pushing me to my knees.

God took it upon Himself to stoop into my world, dig deep in my heart, and stir things in a way that I have been turning a blind eye to for years.

To help me see my need for Him in my weakness and

to help me see how capable He is of handling the depths of me.

Right now, the state of my heart is wrecked.

I would never have asked God, specifically, to wreck me. what I did ask was that He would show me Himself and make me more like Him and sometimes (always?) that takes wrecking.

So, here I stand, weak and tired; however, 

 never more convinced of His relentless love for me. What sweet grace.

all of these photos are from a hike I took over break and mostly unrelated.

eight of fifty-two // the voice

saturday mornin I set an alarm for 3:57am and almost cried. when I finally got up around 4 something I was still pretty grumpy. my dear friend Christy picked me up and we drove to baltimore. 

up until 7am, I was not a happy camper. "what a waste of time. and sleep. this is ridiculous. why do we even do this? it's just going to be humiliating. there's no point." 

then we started walking to the end of the line. the sun started to come up over the skyline. the people-watcher in me was super pumped, walking by all the personalities expressing themselves in one way or another. a kid with a guitar started "warming up" with "I'm Yours" by jason mraz and a bunch of us joined in. the girl in front of me (Brianna) gave me a couple cough drops. thanks, Brianna. 

while standing in 5 different lines for 3-4 hours, I made a few new friends, belted a couple worship songs at the top of my lungs with those new friends, nailed my audition, didn't get a callback. 

 

Christy and I walked around the inner harbor of baltimore, happily indulged in cheesecake and short naps. we holed up in a coffee shop to wait out a torrential downpour (and praised God that we weren't still standing in line outside), grabbed burgers, and headed home. 

so in retrospect, when people ask me how it went, I have two thoughts.

am I pumped that I didn't get a callback? nopedy nope nope. even though the odds were something like 1 in 43, even going in with low expectations. because now when people say I should try out for the voice, I can't say "oh I never had the chance." the pessimist in me will respond, "oh yeah I did but I wasn't good enough." is that accurate? basically. but is it the perspective I should have? probably not. I already struggle with what God is going to do or not do with my love of singing and music, so this kind of feels like another nail in the coffin of my dreams (that I may not actually believe in anyways?). but me and God are gonna keep working through that.

BUT. am I glad I did it? absolutely. I love adventure. I love exploring. I love meeting new people. I love singing with other people. I LOVE shamelessly worshiping God with other people who love Him in front of people who probably don't know Him. I love conquering fears and checking things off my bucket list. I even got homework done. it was a fantastic saturday. 

seven of fifty-two // everything is different, nothing has changed

a year ago today, I took this photo. 

I was working three+ jobs, taking classes, trying to get to the gym, have meaningful relationships, spend time with my family, spend time with God... 

I remember it was too much but it would take me too long to admit it. I remember I struggled feeling like there was a point to all my running around, asking "Is it worth it?" trying to prioritize and still falling short. it was never enough.

today, I'm working a couple jobs, taking more classes than I would prefer, trying to have meaningful relationships, learn a ton about loving God, myself and others, get back in shape, prepare for a quickly-approaching leap into the unknown future, get into God's Word...

most days it feels like too much but I never want to admit it. sometimes I wonder if there is a point to everything I try to accomplish. pretty much every day I wonder if I will ever be enough.

everything is different but it seems like not much has changed. 

last night a quote in one of my classes hit me like a brick. like a heavy weight brick at full speed. 

"I will never be enough because I was made to need the Son of God."

oh. 

"once we have settled in our hearts that we will never be enough, we can focus our eyes on the glory of God. with Him, we are absolutely enough."

...okay. well that changes things. 

I don't know what that looks like practically at the moment, but you can bet I am going to figure it out and get back to you. 

six of fifty-two // Your love >>>

hey God.

sorry I've been so moody.

thanks for dealing with me and my sad spells.

sorry for not believing that You'll stick around and love me in the midst of it.

that probably makes You sad.

all the love I know, and all the love that I give, is broken.

so forgive me for expecting Yours to be.

Your love is perfect. Your love leaves no room for fear.

please help me to get that into my thick head and hard heart.

thank You that the faithfulness and fullness of Your love is not dependent on my understanding of it.

please fill me with Your Spirit so that when I love others, 

they see not my incomplete love, but Your completely whole love.

I love you. broken-ly. thanks for accepting me this way.

in my sweet Jesus' name, Amen.

five of fifty-two // unprocessed

one of those moments that just slip 

but you feel it from your heart to your fingertips

me: "Should I write about peace or appreciating the moment?"

Emilee: "appreciating the moment." 

me: "but that one hurts and isn't finished processing." 

Emilee: "that's when it's best." 

okay, okay. 

brutally honestly? 

there is so much love in my heart for so many people (and places) 

that I have learned from. laughed with. listened to. 

and then they leave. 

or I leave.

sometimes (most times?) it makes me think twice before loving again because losing is the worst. literally the worst. 

especially when you know the goodbye is coming. 

I want to skip straight to the goodbye or forget that hello happened to try and ease the torture of the process.

but "it's a fact of life"

part of the process

a step in the journey 

a fork in the road

all that jazz. 

none of that has hit me yet, at least not enough to make it feel better. 

but I do know this, I've never regretted the loving. 

just the passing of the moment. 

so here's to loving and losing

risk and reward

breathing and beauty

and ultimately not running from wonderful things or being miserable because they end

but somehow, letting go in the midst of them so that joy sinks in to full capacity.

four of fifty-two // nope.

I confidently say yes to any hard task that I can accomplish by gritting my teeth; because I assume that if for some reason I was left to my own devices, I could muster up what I need to conquer. 

now, You ask me to wholeheartedly step into a battle I know my best efforts will lose. my strength and endurance will run out long before the finish line. they already have.

so this is being stretched. not being pushed TO your limits. PAST your limits. now I get it.
self sufficiency down the drain.

first reaction?

NOPE. 

this time, I do not find rest by trying harder and succeeding. my only relief is in admitting that I am unequal to the mountain in front of me and deliberately choosing to surrender myself to leaning on His strong arms to literally carry me through. I am not sure I even know what that looks like half the time, but I am sure that I am about to find out.

peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you. 
(john 14:27)