13/52 // uncertain

grown-up park days - coffee and blackberries.

the nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty, consequently we do not make our nests anywhere.

to be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth.

we are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.

Jesus said, "Except ye...become as little children." spiritual life is the life of a child. 

we are not uncertain of God, we are uncertain of what He is going to do next.

leave the whole thing to Him; it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, 

BUT HE WILL COME. 

-Oswald Chambers 

I have zero clues what is going on with my life. this month is not bringing what I thought it would.

a couple months ago, I thought I would be graduating with a college degree, booking the first flight home to Alaska, seeing certain people, looking for specific opportunities in my hometown.

I am not graduating. I am not going straight home. certain people aren't even in the picture anymore. I may not even be home for good this summer.

my friends are stepping into another year of college, graduating from college, getting married, changing jobs, looking for jobs...the list goes on.

wouldn't it be cool if we could be like, 6 years old again? when the only reason we were exhausted was we played in the park aaaall day? yeah, sometimes I wish I could go back.

but what I want more than anything, is that childlike faith. that childlike knowledge of His love. oh, I was POSITIVE that He loved me and that everything He promised was true.

and you know what? He still does love me. and His promises are still true.

there's a song out right now that says "I wanna go back to Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." that's where it all begins and ends, His love. 

herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

and we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

there is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. he that feareth is not made perfect in love.

we love him, because he first loved us

(1 John 4:10, 16, 18-19)

so whatever uncertainty you are stepping into, step into it with childlike faith.

God is certain.

His love is certain.

12 of 52 // succulents and facebook

so, I spontaneously took a month off of facebook. I kept messenger for communication purposes, but my mom graciously changed my password for me and my friend managed my photography account for me. that is why I did not post or respond to comments as much during march. you probs didn't notice, but that's why. 

now. what does that have to do with these pictures of plants? 

nothing, actually. these photos are from a trip to terrain (cafe/greenhouse) with my friend Monica over a month ago that were too pretty for me not to share. if you have never been there, you should go, and take me with you.

anyways, back to facebook. when I got off I simply wanted to reduce the minutes of scrolling in between homework assignments in an attempt to declutter my life a bit for a season in order to reach a goal. 

at first, I realized how frustrated I would get when I opened a tab mid-paper to check notifications but couldn't log in. after a while, I just stopped opening the tab and continued writing my paper. productivity increase: check. 

it disconnected me a bit from the current social happenings, such as an engagement I was unaware of until someone congratulated my co-worker in front of me (oops). but I didn't super miss it otherwise.

decluttering: check. 

it's nice to know that I can live without it and gain some perspective. so now I'm back on, but I think twice more about opening that tab while doing homework. I could go on about the effects of social media, idolatry, comparison, escape - the possibilities are endless, but you've probably heard it before and only you know where you are on the spectrum. I appreciate facebook as a tool to encourage, laugh, provoke thought, stay connected, and share. like these photos. I hope this made you think - now I hope these photos brighten your day! scroll away. (:

11 of 52 // dancing

I was laying in the grass after a long week of wrestling with myself and with God. 

the sun was (finally) shining and the song We Dance by Steffany Gretzinger started playing from my shuffle. 

I remembered listening to this song in my kitchen back home about a year and a half ago, when I was experiencing this new depth of sweet intimacy in my relationship with Him. everything about this song made me think of butterflies and excitement and adoration. the words "You steady me, slow and sweet, we sway - You take the lead, and I will follow...You spin me round and around and remind me of that song, the one You wrote for me, and we dance," settled into my heart with warmth and peace. 

now, after a time of venturing closer and facing some hard things about life following Christ's footsteps, the words "when my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost...we dance, just You and me, and I will lock eyes with the One who's ransomed me; it's nice to know I'm not alone, I've found my home here in Your arms," were balm to my throbbing heart.

there was this picture in my head of a young couple, falling in love, dancing and twirling and laughing with sweet innocence and new-found affection and devotion. then, it changed to an older couple, a few years down the road - staying in love, dancing and breathing and leaning into each other with the wisdom and security of passion and faithfulness that has weathered storms from without and within.

and that's how I feel about me and God right now. take the analogy as you will, it's not perfect of course. I used to be scared of things with Him becoming "routine" but I have a feeling it never really will, because nothing stays the same...except His love, so this dance won't be ending anytime soon. or ever.

ten of fifty-two // real talk

sunrise over Seward Boat Harbor

I read about spending time with God and what it's like to practice His presence, to be filled with His Spirit and power and likeness and then to live that out in every area of life. then I sit down to have "quiet time" and... I am not swept up by angelic hosts, carrying me straight to the throne with feeling and knowledge. 

I stare at words on a page and utter a desperate cry to Him to teach me. I move restlessly from reading someone else's thoughts, to His Word, to worship, to pouring out my heart in prayer. It doesn't hit me the same every day. sometimes I leave listless, wishing I had hours more to try and get to His heart and what He could have taught me. other times I take the small Word He gave me and cling to it for the rest of the day. it never feels like enough time to let it sink into my being instead of just be absorbed by my head.

but oh God is faithful. faithful meaning that I know He meets me when I stop to be with Him, even if it is just in the knowing that He is there. I hope it is a sweet offering to Him, I hope He feels loved as opposed to grieved like the many times I pass on without Him. faithful because when I come to Him ashamedly hiding (haha. hiding from God.) my pain from Him trying to pray about more "spiritual" things, He patiently waits for me to bring the sadness to Him, too. faithful that when my fearful heart asks of Him something He has already promised – never leave me, please do not forsake me – He reminds me that He has not, He will not, He has told me before and will tell me again.  

sunset over Seward Boat Harbor

nine of fifty-two // get wrecked

There's a phrase that my brother and his buddy like to use while playing computer games or at the gym. It goes like this,

"GET WRECKED." 

Urban dictionary informed me that this can also be spelled "get rekt" which seems pretty time and space efficient to me; 

for example, if bro just totally owned his set on the squat bar, he may tell the bar that it got wrecked. 

If bro loses a battle on the computer, his buddy will automatically shout triumphantly "GET WRECKED NOOB" and vice versa if bro wins. 

It's never fun on the other side of the coin when you're the one who just got wrecked, 

especially when you are getting wrecked and it is completely out of your control to prevent.

Perhaps this is not all bad.

There's a song I've had on repeat for the past, almost, week. The chorus goes as such: 

I know You're able

and I know You can 

save through the fire with Your mighty hand

but even if You don't, 

my hope is You. alone.

Right now, I'm walking through the fire. That is where He is leading me and I trust Him, but oooh trusting Him does not mean there are no growing pains. Trusting Him does not mean that I will not feel the desperation and angst of my heart during the wrecking.

Knowing He is present and on Your side does not constitute the absence of suffering or easy surrender.

More often, drawing close to Him exposes not only the sweetness of His undeserved love, but also all the reasons that I am undeserving of it. 

This time around, it's not even circumstances that are pushing me to my knees.

God took it upon Himself to stoop into my world, dig deep in my heart, and stir things in a way that I have been turning a blind eye to for years.

To help me see my need for Him in my weakness and

to help me see how capable He is of handling the depths of me.

Right now, the state of my heart is wrecked.

I would never have asked God, specifically, to wreck me. what I did ask was that He would show me Himself and make me more like Him and sometimes (always?) that takes wrecking.

So, here I stand, weak and tired; however, 

 never more convinced of His relentless love for me. What sweet grace.

all of these photos are from a hike I took over break and mostly unrelated.

eight of fifty-two // the voice

saturday mornin I set an alarm for 3:57am and almost cried. when I finally got up around 4 something I was still pretty grumpy. my dear friend Christy picked me up and we drove to baltimore. 

up until 7am, I was not a happy camper. "what a waste of time. and sleep. this is ridiculous. why do we even do this? it's just going to be humiliating. there's no point." 

then we started walking to the end of the line. the sun started to come up over the skyline. the people-watcher in me was super pumped, walking by all the personalities expressing themselves in one way or another. a kid with a guitar started "warming up" with "I'm Yours" by jason mraz and a bunch of us joined in. the girl in front of me (Brianna) gave me a couple cough drops. thanks, Brianna. 

while standing in 5 different lines for 3-4 hours, I made a few new friends, belted a couple worship songs at the top of my lungs with those new friends, nailed my audition, didn't get a callback. 

 

Christy and I walked around the inner harbor of baltimore, happily indulged in cheesecake and short naps. we holed up in a coffee shop to wait out a torrential downpour (and praised God that we weren't still standing in line outside), grabbed burgers, and headed home. 

so in retrospect, when people ask me how it went, I have two thoughts.

am I pumped that I didn't get a callback? nopedy nope nope. even though the odds were something like 1 in 43, even going in with low expectations. because now when people say I should try out for the voice, I can't say "oh I never had the chance." the pessimist in me will respond, "oh yeah I did but I wasn't good enough." is that accurate? basically. but is it the perspective I should have? probably not. I already struggle with what God is going to do or not do with my love of singing and music, so this kind of feels like another nail in the coffin of my dreams (that I may not actually believe in anyways?). but me and God are gonna keep working through that.

BUT. am I glad I did it? absolutely. I love adventure. I love exploring. I love meeting new people. I love singing with other people. I LOVE shamelessly worshiping God with other people who love Him in front of people who probably don't know Him. I love conquering fears and checking things off my bucket list. I even got homework done. it was a fantastic saturday. 

seven of fifty-two // everything is different, nothing has changed

a year ago today, I took this photo. 

I was working three+ jobs, taking classes, trying to get to the gym, have meaningful relationships, spend time with my family, spend time with God... 

I remember it was too much but it would take me too long to admit it. I remember I struggled feeling like there was a point to all my running around, asking "Is it worth it?" trying to prioritize and still falling short. it was never enough.

today, I'm working a couple jobs, taking more classes than I would prefer, trying to have meaningful relationships, learn a ton about loving God, myself and others, get back in shape, prepare for a quickly-approaching leap into the unknown future, get into God's Word...

most days it feels like too much but I never want to admit it. sometimes I wonder if there is a point to everything I try to accomplish. pretty much every day I wonder if I will ever be enough.

everything is different but it seems like not much has changed. 

last night a quote in one of my classes hit me like a brick. like a heavy weight brick at full speed. 

"I will never be enough because I was made to need the Son of God."

oh. 

"once we have settled in our hearts that we will never be enough, we can focus our eyes on the glory of God. with Him, we are absolutely enough."

...okay. well that changes things. 

I don't know what that looks like practically at the moment, but you can bet I am going to figure it out and get back to you.