ten of fifty-two // real talk

sunrise over Seward Boat Harbor

I read about spending time with God and what it's like to practice His presence, to be filled with His Spirit and power and likeness and then to live that out in every area of life. then I sit down to have "quiet time" and... I am not swept up by angelic hosts, carrying me straight to the throne with feeling and knowledge. 

I stare at words on a page and utter a desperate cry to Him to teach me. I move restlessly from reading someone else's thoughts, to His Word, to worship, to pouring out my heart in prayer. It doesn't hit me the same every day. sometimes I leave listless, wishing I had hours more to try and get to His heart and what He could have taught me. other times I take the small Word He gave me and cling to it for the rest of the day. it never feels like enough time to let it sink into my being instead of just be absorbed by my head.

but oh God is faithful. faithful meaning that I know He meets me when I stop to be with Him, even if it is just in the knowing that He is there. I hope it is a sweet offering to Him, I hope He feels loved as opposed to grieved like the many times I pass on without Him. faithful because when I come to Him ashamedly hiding (haha. hiding from God.) my pain from Him trying to pray about more "spiritual" things, He patiently waits for me to bring the sadness to Him, too. faithful that when my fearful heart asks of Him something He has already promised – never leave me, please do not forsake me – He reminds me that He has not, He will not, He has told me before and will tell me again.  

sunset over Seward Boat Harbor

nine of fifty-two // get wrecked

There's a phrase that my brother and his buddy like to use while playing computer games or at the gym. It goes like this,

"GET WRECKED." 

Urban dictionary informed me that this can also be spelled "get rekt" which seems pretty time and space efficient to me; 

for example, if bro just totally owned his set on the squat bar, he may tell the bar that it got wrecked. 

If bro loses a battle on the computer, his buddy will automatically shout triumphantly "GET WRECKED NOOB" and vice versa if bro wins. 

It's never fun on the other side of the coin when you're the one who just got wrecked, 

especially when you are getting wrecked and it is completely out of your control to prevent.

Perhaps this is not all bad.

There's a song I've had on repeat for the past, almost, week. The chorus goes as such: 

I know You're able

and I know You can 

save through the fire with Your mighty hand

but even if You don't, 

my hope is You. alone.

Right now, I'm walking through the fire. That is where He is leading me and I trust Him, but oooh trusting Him does not mean there are no growing pains. Trusting Him does not mean that I will not feel the desperation and angst of my heart during the wrecking.

Knowing He is present and on Your side does not constitute the absence of suffering or easy surrender.

More often, drawing close to Him exposes not only the sweetness of His undeserved love, but also all the reasons that I am undeserving of it. 

This time around, it's not even circumstances that are pushing me to my knees.

God took it upon Himself to stoop into my world, dig deep in my heart, and stir things in a way that I have been turning a blind eye to for years.

To help me see my need for Him in my weakness and

to help me see how capable He is of handling the depths of me.

Right now, the state of my heart is wrecked.

I would never have asked God, specifically, to wreck me. what I did ask was that He would show me Himself and make me more like Him and sometimes (always?) that takes wrecking.

So, here I stand, weak and tired; however, 

 never more convinced of His relentless love for me. What sweet grace.

all of these photos are from a hike I took over break and mostly unrelated.