honest confessions of a hesitant fiancé

I'M ENGAGED

there's a sparkly ring on my finger, and the sweetest man has asked me to be his wife.

I have a fiancé and I hardly know what that means.

COOL.

before you get ideas from the title, my hesitations are not about Ben and the man that God is shaping him to be.

there are lots of aspects to this life event for an overactive mind.

getting engaged came out of the blue and was totally not what I had expected (LOL at expectations, always).

I dread comments about how long we've known or haven't known each other, or that we didn't grow up together so we're straying from tradition.

I feel like people will roll their eyes when I share photos, so I'm afraid to celebrate (or even post this blog entry, honestly).

one lady helping me try on dresses accusingly told me "you know most brides have a $1200 larger dress budget than you do?"

different loved ones have communicated the stress that the choice of my date puts on their personal lives (I'm empathetic - bring on the guilt).

some days I think I'm planning too fast and others like I'm way behind the game.

the internet has dumped every wedding ad known to man and woman into my social media.

meanwhile, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the unknown (to me) covenant that is marriage.

in all of this, I realized, is less about being engaged, and more about the state of my heart.

the enemy is trying to steal my joy through the same old tricks - fear of the unknown, fear of not being enough, the longing for affirmation, and comparison.

I believe that God has led Ben and I to the place that we are now and that He has a purpose for it.

I do not believe that I have the faintest idea what I am getting myself into, but I have faith in the One who created the covenant and is calling me to it.

I believe that Christ came so that we could have life, life abundantly, in all of this.

the expectations of culture on wedding days should never crowd out the marriage picture of Christ and the church.

I do not think that the details of the table settings will change the course of our marriage, but I ALSO believe that spending time on them is not a reason to feel guilty.

guilt is not of God, shame is not of God, fear is not of God.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

(2 Timothy 1:7).

this whole process of planning a wedding + preparing for marriage is as much under His control as the rest of my life.

my soul is hidden with Christ in God, and that is BEAUTIFUL and reassuring and worth spending time dwelling on.

so, as with any situation, when I dwell on these things, there is peace. relief. the ability to stand strong and and the freedom to love well.

in short, God is good.

by faith she

I've been reading "Dance Stand Run" by Jess Connolly. Whether this book is just solid gold or it's just the first time I've sat down to soak in almost an entire book in years (probably both), it's been speaking right to my heart in the best balance of truth and love, and you're definitely going to hear more about it. 

At the end of the chapter I just finished, we read from the Hebrews 11. Hebrews 11 is often called the "faith chapter" because it tells the story of imperfect person after imperfect person who accomplished something for the Lord by trusting Him. 

The author challenged us as readers to write our own "faith chapter" - recounting how we have been delivered and sustained, the storms we have endured, the victories we have won by faith in our God. She even suggested speaking life into our future by declaring how we will move forward by faith. 

so I did. and I wrote it in third person, because I like it like that.

///

 by faith, she graduated high school after two different cultures and found hope for the future. 

by faith she flew across the US and spent a year learning that God is close and everything she needs. 

by faith she believed that He had created her intentionally, beautifully, for a purpose, in spite of what those around her though. 

by faith she persevered through another school year filled with triumph and adventure, but also great loss, pain, and grief.

 by faith she said no to opportunities that would feed her pride, returned home to quiet herself and seek His will. 

by faith she stepped into a position that inflicted new anxiety but also brought companionship and sweet, stretching ministry. 

by faith she returned to school, was pushed past her limits, humbled, and surrounded by community. 

by faith she returned again to finish well - and by faith she obeyed to set a different finish line, farther away. 

 by faith she persisted in difficult relationships. 

by faith she continued to steward what God had entrusted her with. 

by faith she learned to bloom where she was planted. 

by faith she surrendered to the calling of Sabbath and learned to stop and read books again. 

by faith she stepped out in vulnerability and love. 

by faith she cried out to God in honesty, and he heard her prayers. 

by faith she (slowly) slept more, worried less, and gave her to-do lists over to her Heavenly Father.

 by faith she looked to the next step, 

without taking her eyes off 

of the Author and Finisher of her faith.

 by faith, she will not grow weary in doing good.

by faith she will step into the unknown by pressing into the One who knows.

by faith she will keep the first things first, because she knows she is living for an eternal kingdom. 

 by faith she will renew her heart and mind to be in line with the mind of Christ, 

and her identity in Him. 

by faith she will be healed. 

by faith she will breathe deeply, because nothing is out of God's hands.

\\\

each of these statements remind me of a few things:
#1
my life has not been easy, nor will it ever be.
#2
my God has never failed me, and He never will.
#3
my quality of life will improve 432% if I acknowledge and believe #1 and #2.

I was encouraged and strengthened by writing this out, and definitely shed a tear of hope (is that a thing? it is now) when I started writing future-tense. God is calling me (and all of His children) to trust Him enough to obey, but also enough to obey in faith and live in the peace that He has promised instead of in panic.

you don't have to write as much as I did (or you can write more!), but I think it would be valuable for you to take a moment and remember what God has brought you through by faith, and declare how you will live because of trusting Him and His promises. 

or feel free to steal one of my previous statements - I believe healing and freedom and a secure identity are desires that God has for each of His children. <3 

photos are from a last minute ride up the Alyeska tram in Girdwood, AK.

breathing

slowing down. stopping, even. 

I know it's a buzz topic these days, but I think it's for a reason. 

and I think it's becoming a bit of a personal soap box for me, mainly because it is a lesson that is taking its sweet time sinking into my soul. so I'm working on repetition to myself, and trying to be listening for the reminders of the Holy Spirit.

I'm not just fighting against the culture of productivity, accomplishment, and haste that I live in. 

I'm fighting my innate desire to be good enough, to be wanted, to belong.

moments before this photo I was having my own small version of a panic attack. if I have anxiety, I have learned to busy myself with some activity to distract myself from becoming overwhelmed; this time, it felt like my body (and the Holy Spirit) was done letting me shove the feelings under another todo list. my heart was beating quickly, I felt like I couldn't get enough air, I was slightly dizzy, and I was getting the message: something is NOT okay, deep inside of me. 

it takes me two seconds to look at the waves of my circumstances, ambitions, and the fallenness that I live in to become overwhelmed. I remembered learning about breath prayer a few semesters ago. I could be doing it completely wrong, but then again, there's really no wrong way to pray. so I started taking deep breaths and speaking in my head these two words - in, "Jesus." out, "calm." a simple cry for the One who calmed the waves to calm my heart. 

there was no miraculous relief, but after about five minutes (yes, five minutes of intentional deep breathing with my eyes closed) I knew two things: there was no quick fix, but there is purpose. 

I am not speaking to the anxiety of others that I do not personally experience, simply what God is teaching me through mine that I hope will be an encouragement to you. 

I need to stop - not just slow down and do less, there needs to be space that I am not doing, I am simply being. that can look different from time to time - I love journaling, listening to music, praying, reading, even taking photos can be cathartic for me. 

today, it took me about 10-15 minutes of closing my eyes and listening to music and breathing for the tension in my shoulders to relax and my focus to come back. 

I challenge you to take a moment to stop today. Jesus not only gives you the freedom and the option to stop and be still, as in He says that it is okay, He says that it is good and necessary and He calls us to it. be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). choose the only thing that is needed and will not be taken from you - time at Jesus' feet, listening to His Word. (Luke 10:42).

maybe start with listening to Lean Back by Capital City Music. it's 6:54 long, so sit down and close your eyes or plug it in while you drive and breathe.

comment if you've experienced this, if this challenged you, if you have any other suggestions for dealing with this concept, 

or comment prayer requests and I will cover you as I read them.

photos taken by Ben, edited by me. 

hello // longing

(wow. it's been a while. 

so long that I forgot my password and had to reset it, oops.)

I have many. 

we each have our own:

longing. 

a yearning desire.

a craving, an ache.

to be someone else.

to be a different version of yourself.

to be somewhere else.

to know God better. 

to understand the world around you. 

to love more passionately. 

to have a positive attitude. 

to spend more time in His presence. 

to be completely healed. 

to be the best at your craft. 

to always be on time, always be ready.

to make dreams a reality.

to turn despair to hope, sadness to joy.

to share beauty.

to be heard.

to be loved.

virtuous hopes, misplaced ambitions. all these longings.

whether we accomplish what we think is success

or we persist in emptiness

it consumes us - chasing satisfaction.

but think.

think of this my friend -

when this world is past,

these unfulfilled aches will no longer exhaust our hearts.

they will be so far removed 

that we no longer remember the barren, desolate void they left in their wake.

we will be perfectly content.

completely filled.

fully satisfied.

(word of advice - even if you never publish them, do some kind of blogging. or journaling. or something you can look back on. it doesn't have to be long or complicated or artistic or eloquent. just a reminder, a little marker for you to look back and say "hey, I'm farther than I was. I conquered that battle. or I'm still fighting, and I haven't given up." etc. and all those cool things.)