honest confessions of a hesitant fiancé

I'M ENGAGED

there's a sparkly ring on my finger, and the sweetest man has asked me to be his wife.

I have a fiancé and I hardly know what that means.

COOL.

before you get ideas from the title, my hesitations are not about Ben and the man that God is shaping him to be.

there are lots of aspects to this life event for an overactive mind.

getting engaged came out of the blue and was totally not what I had expected (LOL at expectations, always).

I dread comments about how long we've known or haven't known each other, or that we didn't grow up together so we're straying from tradition.

I feel like people will roll their eyes when I share photos, so I'm afraid to celebrate (or even post this blog entry, honestly).

one lady helping me try on dresses accusingly told me "you know most brides have a $1200 larger dress budget than you do?"

different loved ones have communicated the stress that the choice of my date puts on their personal lives (I'm empathetic - bring on the guilt).

some days I think I'm planning too fast and others like I'm way behind the game.

the internet has dumped every wedding ad known to man and woman into my social media.

meanwhile, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the unknown (to me) covenant that is marriage.

in all of this, I realized, is less about being engaged, and more about the state of my heart.

the enemy is trying to steal my joy through the same old tricks - fear of the unknown, fear of not being enough, the longing for affirmation, and comparison.

I believe that God has led Ben and I to the place that we are now and that He has a purpose for it.

I do not believe that I have the faintest idea what I am getting myself into, but I have faith in the One who created the covenant and is calling me to it.

I believe that Christ came so that we could have life, life abundantly, in all of this.

the expectations of culture on wedding days should never crowd out the marriage picture of Christ and the church.

I do not think that the details of the table settings will change the course of our marriage, but I ALSO believe that spending time on them is not a reason to feel guilty.

guilt is not of God, shame is not of God, fear is not of God.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

(2 Timothy 1:7).

this whole process of planning a wedding + preparing for marriage is as much under His control as the rest of my life.

my soul is hidden with Christ in God, and that is BEAUTIFUL and reassuring and worth spending time dwelling on.

so, as with any situation, when I dwell on these things, there is peace. relief. the ability to stand strong and and the freedom to love well.

in short, God is good.